Sunday, February 26, 2012

OMG! Americans Overwhelmingly Drink Shitty Beer!

It's always amusing whenever someone who hasn't yet taken the Red Pill suddenly realizes an important truth about just how relentlessly mediocre our corporation-dominated mass culture really is. As an avid drinker of good beer, I was initially attracted to this story by a writer who calls herself Jennn (not a typo) Fusion listing the top 10 bestselling beers in America in the same way I might be unable to avoid gawking when passing by a wreck on the highway. Then I saw that the author of piece apparently just woke up and discovered that she is completely surrounded by people who don't give a shit about quality in any aspect of their lives:
I'd like to think (hope) that, as beer-drinkers, we've matured to something a little more pleasing to the palette.

Yet, according to beer sales, our collective tastes have swayed to...


Bud Light: 19.2% market share
Budweiser: 12%
Miller Light: 8.6%
Coors Light: 7.8%
Natural Light: 4.2%
Corona: 4%
Busch: 2.8%
Busch Light: 2.8%
Heineken: 2.4%
Miller High Life: 2.3%

Are you utterly flabbergasted!?

It makes me throw up in my mouth just a little bit. It’s not even like we’re trading up for beer with higher alcohol content! We’re just trading one old watered-down, tin-flavored beer for another!

Shame on you, America! Shame on you!

I’ve always said that people who say their favorite beer is Coors Light are really saying they don’t like beer at all. The fact that it’s #4 in market share literally horrifies me.

Interesting how Budweiser is both “most loved” and “most hated.” Well, “The King” has a longer way to fall… what can I say? People are still talking about those stupid fucking frogs..
Okay, from what I see in the article, I kind of like Ms. Fusion. She actually has a little bit of spunk, which is refreshing in this day and age. So I'll try not to be too hard on her. Heck, I won't even mention the fact that America has a LOT more to be ashamed of in recent years other than the fact that Budweiser remains our top selling brand of beer.

Believe me, Jennn, it's nothing personal when I say that, no, not only am I not utterly flabbergasted (or horrified or throwing up in my mouth), I think it is pretty silly that you seem to be. Have you really taken a good look around you lately? What exactly do you see? Have the masses of your fellow citizens suddenly stopped flocking into "restaurants" like McDonalds, Taco Bell, Applebees and TGI Fridays and started patronizing fine French cuisine? Have teevee viewers suddenly shut off American Idol, Dancing With the Stars and the Kardashians and instead tuned into Shakespearean dramas on PBS? Have moviegoers begun avoiding comic book adaptations, teen vampire garbage and lame romantic comedies in favor of serious documentaries about the condition of the world we live in? Because if so, I must have missed the memo.

Let me give you some advice, Jennn, that will lower your blood pressure and make it easier for you to accept depressing factoids like the one you wrote about in your story: just let it go. Instead of getting all worked up about the inability of most of your fellow citizens to make choices beyond those the media relentlessly pounds into their skulls every day of their lives, relish in the fact that you retain at least some ability to think for yourself despite the onslaught. Any ability to not be a completely brainwashed, drooling consumer zombie elevates you above the vast majority in this society.

Yes, someday this whole mess is going to come crashing down on all of our heads in part because the inability of your fellow man/woman to think for himself/herself. But there isn't fuck all you can do about it except to sit back and laugh at the absurdity of it all. Just remember, this shitty Bud is for the dopes who are going to get blindsided by what's coming. Believe me, you'll be much happier if you stop getting worked up about their bad chices, and you'll enjoy your quality brewskis even more so in the meantime.

Bonus: I wanted to use Neil Young's awesome rip against corporate advertising, "This Note's for You," for this post, but it was "embedding disabled" on You Tube. So instead here is a great beer drinking song by the criminally underrated alt-country band, The V-Roys


  1. Bud light #1? That's not even good lawnmowing beer on a hot summer day. Blek.

    What a shame. There are so many good beers and microbrews in America.

    More for me I guess.


  2. Dear reincarnee:

    Have you been to Safeway or Giant's or wherever they sell food and look at what dominates the beer shelves? This survey is common knowledge to anyone who shops in America's stores. The common American buys what he sees advertised, no matter what the quality. What's advertised is what makes the most profit - low input costs, high markup. This is the business model. It works.

    1. "The common American buys what he sees advertised,"

      That totally explains our political system, too--BTW.

  3. ...penetrating economic analysis via SAVEONBREW.COM...

  4. I agree that we have many festering problems that only get worse and which the PTB are too timid to address. that said, beer preferences is not one of those problems. please find something else to complain about.

  5. Is it ok if I drink malt liquor because it's the cheapest ethanol delivery system - cheaper than box wine?