Wednesday, December 17, 2014

You Might Be An OPWAL If...

Back in the 1990s, mediocre Georgia-born stand up comedian Jeff Foxworthy became a big star thanks to his inane "You Might Be a Redneck If..." routines. Though the routines themselves seemed fairly harmless at the time (Foxworthy was adverse to using profanity on stage), in retrospect it seems that plenty of Americans--and not JUST from the south--were taking perverse pride at being exactly the kind of people he was allegedly poking fun at.

I hadn't thought about Foxworthy for a long time, until the recent news reports about the idiot Greenpeace protestors who damaged a national historical monument in Peru while filming an anti-global warming video to coincide with the recent carbon emissions conference being held in Lima. Somehow, none of the twelve morons who reportedly participated in the protest nor anyone else in Greenpeace who was aware of this pending protest before it happened recognized how culturally tone deaf and idiotic it was for a pack of liberal gringos to go traipsing around on some sensitive 1,500-year-old Native American geolyphs. Not only did this stupid stunt open Greenpeace up to charges of insensitivity to native cultures, it also basically handed its conservative opposition plenty of (ahem) ammunition with which to totally discredit the very message it was trying to get across.

But, sometimes such things happen when you're an OPWAL (Over-Privileged, White, American Liberal). And no, we don't know if ALL the Greenpeace protestors were in fact white, but they all easily demonstrated what I would call an OPWAL mindset.

Exactly what is an OPWAL mindset? And how do you know for sure whether or not you in fact are one? Well, in the spirit of Jeff Foxworthy I've developed a series of tests so that you, too, may determine whether or not you are actually an OPWAL. Let's begin, shall we?

If you believe driving a hybrid or even an electric car is good for the might be an OPWAL.

If you believe having a black followed by a female president is more important that what those presidents actually do while in might be an OPWAL.

If you believe Obama deserved his Nobel Peace might be an OPWAL.

If you agree with Obama that the country should "look forward and not dwell on the past" when it comes to the Iraq War, torture and the Wall Street crimes that led to the economic crash of might be an OPWAL.

If you blame the Republican minority in congress circa 2009-2011 for blocking the many great things Obama promised to do while in might be an OPWAL.

If you're a registered Democrat but cannot name a single famous labor leader other than Jimmy might be an OPWAL.

If you believe Bill Clinton was a good president because he presided over a strong might be an OPWAL.

If you still blame Ralph Nader for costing Al Gore the presidency in might be an OPWAL.

If you believed that the 2010 Rally to Restore Sanity wasn't a complete waste of fucking time and might be an OPWAL.

If you hate congress as most Americans do, but voted to reelect your Democratic congressperson might be an OPWAL.

If you have a "support the troops" sticker on your vehicle but don't personally know anyone in the might be an OPWAL.

If you have a Stop Global Warming bumper sticker on your Minivan or might be an OPWAL.

If you call yourself an environmentalist but live in the exurbs because your precious snowflakes "need" to have a yard to play might be an OPWAL.

If you saw no reason for antiwar protests to continue once Obama was might be an OPWAL.

If you think Obamacare has solved America's health care might be an OPWAL.

If you ever read a book based upon a recommendation by Oprah might be an OPWAL.

If you think MSNBC is a true liberal alternative to Fox might be an OPWAL.

If you think NPR and PBS are unbiased news might be an OPWAL.

If you still have a subscription to the New York Times or Washington might be an OPWAL.

If you consider yourself progressive on racial issues but the only minorities you interact with on a regular basis are your maid and your coffee might be an OPWAL.

If you actually think it really matters that the Democrats just lost control of the might be an OPWAL.

Anyway, that's enough for now. I'm sure you all could probably come up with plenty of your own. After all, OPWALs are easy targets--almost too easy.

Bonus: "Honey let me introduce you to my redneck friend"


  1. If you think shopping at whole foods makes you morally superior, you might just be an opwal.

  2. You might be an OPWAL if you.....

    ....own 50+ acres, build a large home with solar and efficient electricity, and call it 'sustainable'.

    ....think that if only the Democrats owned all 3 branches of government, then the 'real work' could get done.

    ....get mad at a neighbor for not recycling as you drive past them in your hybrid SUV.

    ....plan to vote for Hillary.

  3. Ha! You have to visit my neck of the woods sometime. You'd see a lot of such examples.

  4. Heh, nice additions. I'm saying Happy Holidays. Opwal that.